This body isn’t meant to break

This body does not inspire any desire to protect – it is big and tall, doesn’t fit neatly anywhere and scares people off more than anything. It refuses to break down, built to keep going and going even when I’m groping through the tears for an excuse to stop. It does not ask for help because it looks like it doesn’t deserve it. More often than not it gives more than it receives. Hardly feminine. 

I think that the past few months of putting myself through physical stress had made me think about my body a little bit more. It is frustrating to realise that I am weak because of the female biology — still annoys me how insanely difficult it is to even do one pull-up — yet at the same time, as a lot of people have put it, I am basically a guy if “guy” is simply a word for anything that is opposite of what most females are physically. There were times I wasn’t feeling good but I had to help other females who were visibly not alright and I thought to myself: I won’t even ask for a lot like needing someone else’s help just leave me alone to get better. Without putting others down, I just had this childish wish that someone would pay attention/do these things for me too when I’m not feeling well. But the thing is no one notices because no one expects to find weakness in such a big “basically a guy” body. It’s frustrating that I am weak but not weak enough. Why can’t it just be one or the other, and since I already have such a build why can’t I just be strong?

This body isn’t meant to break — the feelings I have towards it are complicated and honestly very immature. After all, first 18 years of my life focused mainly on one organ and one organ only — the brain — and so this is one of the first few times I had to consider what my physical limitations are. I am incredibly grateful for my body because I get to push and push and get stronger but it has also forced me to be self-sufficient and keep being strong even when I need to be weak. Worse still, I hate how in an army context there are doors that will never open no matter how hard I hit it because of the limitations of a female body which are very real (biological) or very man-made (a general attitude) and that when I try to prove them wrong this body only becomes a tool to put other females down (“if she can do it why can’t you?”) At the same time that a first female to accomplish anything can be an inspiration, she becomes a counter argument abused to raise the bars and keep even more females out. I get the feeling that somehow she becomes “unfeminine” and is disassociated from other females because of that strange tension. No one can win. 

The only way out of this is paradox that is obvious is that she has to win the game ruled by a dominantly masculine set of rulebook using her uniquely feminine traits — strengths and weakness and all. Perhaps the strengths might be of aid, but realistically, I don’t think it’s possible to stand on equal grounds when being hampered by physical weakness and smallness in stature (I have witnessed how some guys just don’t respect a girl because she’s not physically imposing enough to drag out that respect from him). At the same time, femininity being used to an advantage is such an idealistic and theoretical(or only existing in feel good movies or other media) because there isn’t a particular successful model to base on (most female politicians get flack for being too masculine and ruthless). I get less rational and more emotional, if it isn’t obvious already, when it comes to these things perhaps because a dash of guilt for having been shielded from these things due to my height is added into that complicated mix. To be optimistic, maybe it is a good sign that I am only starting to be aware of how gender can be discriminatory only now, because up till now Singapore hasn’t really made me feel slighted because I am a girl. 

Currently I am at a point where I really want to see how far my body can take me, to break into rooms that no longer have “no females allowed” hanging up but strangely still doesn’t have a single one. For more selfish reasons, it’s because I want a challenge and I want to see a sight that not a lot of other people have seen before. There’s no guarantee that having females pervade everywhere will value-add. It sounds offensive but there might not even be a point in having gender representation in some areas. Still, at least we should verify that and rule the options out. For more “female” reasons, firstly I think there is still respect to be gained by proving that females can do it too, and that respect will mean a lot if anyone wants to make a change within a very much male-centric organisation, and secondly I think it’s a very good way to test out the different ways gender plays out in relation to power and see for myself if it’s more beneficial to “beat them by their own rules” or if it’s possible to succeed using a different route than the conventional masculine path. Lastly, just like how scientific specimens enable the greatest discoveries when they’re concentrated and in its purest most distilled state, I think breaking into a wholly new field will be eye-opening in examining what are symptomatic issues plaguing females at large. After all I only had to think so much about gender issues only after I left the safeness of an all female platoon and went into a place where females are the overwhelming minority. 

My own messy thoughts (but honestly it’s more emotions than thoughts cuz it’s far from coherent) about my body is something that stems from the much larger and longer lasting issue of gender equality. I have never seen the need for both genders to be equal, but right now I feel like there’s a lot more reasons behind why I feel that way and implications of accepting that inequality that complicated that belief. In the foreseeable future I’ll still be struggling with the uncomfortable “this body isn’t meant to break” feelings, but I’ll be grateful for it. I hope it will keep going and going long enough for me to figure something out.