Give a man power

What is the purpose of ambition? Everyone lauds it as something that is desirable (caveated with: in moderate doses) because we are incentivised to have big dreams and go far. Since young – I am only realising now – I have always wanted to be the best at what I do and have mistaken that competitive streak for ambition. I have no intrinsic or extrinsic motivation to “make it big” besides it being a lame trait that was written into my character. After so many hours of stoning and waiting around, I had time to reflect a bit more about why I want to go far in this career; why aspire for a rank if it is only for selfish reasons; why bother raking up awards if they will only become the medals at home collecting dust?

The first thing this made me realise was that ambition was only healthy when attached to the right place, otherwise the power obtained can corrupt us easily. “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power”. Before even allowing myself to move on and strive for the next achievement, I had to come up with my own “right place” for back-tracking when I am navigating ahead.

Money is of less concern to me, as long as I am comfortable, so it’s not really about that. Wanting to hone my leadership isn’t really it either because more on the ground operations allow me to interact with soldiers more as compared to higher ranks … What other good reason do I have for my ambition other than I want to do the best I can?

A few days before POP, the answer gradually started to form, which was nice because it was a good closure to my basic training. There were a few chit chat sessions and I felt like I could stare at the privileges I had straight in the face with the honest and candid opinions being aired. Before I could answer why I want to forge ahead, I thought back on how I even got here in the first place. I don’t have as many milestone events, but what stretched out before me were faces of people who’ve helped me get to where I am now. They were the teachers who saw something in me and gave me so many opportunities, or my friends who reached out to the rather awkward me and henceforth crossed paths to teach me how to be a better person, or commanders who made me catch glimpses of that iron in them that had first inspired me to start this journey. And my family, who were so chill with my decision and sent me off on whatever path with an encouraging push.

Whether conscious or not, some parts of their basics had stuck to me and propelled me towards the current me. I kind of want to see how far I could take these ingots with me. I have this mental image of walking forward with lots of ribbons scribbled with the names of people trailing off my body, like I’m a wishing tree, just moving onwards with batons passed into my hands. Some might see this as a desperate attempt to justify my ambition because “it’s no longer for myself only”. That might be the case for me subconsciously, but I would like to believe that I found something that will prevent me from becoming greedy and striving only for selfish reasons. At some crucial point, maybe I will hear the voices of all these people I am grateful for asking me if the decision I am making would bereave all the effort they have invested in me.

It sounds so cheesy and dramatic like a midnight soap opera, but I don’t think it is a bad thing to keep in mind. Maybe it is still immature (it most definitely needs more honing) but I will cross that bridge when we get there.