Skywards, or youth

Guess who’s back again, as per the tradition of turning out content before an exam. It’s the holidays and that gave me some time for reflections, and quite ironically I’m going to reflect about studying and mugging culture (especially now that I am in JC2). That sounds dry as heck and god knows who would like to be reminded of their academic commitments so at least there are these bomb photos.

Also sidenote, it was a pretty cool experience to wear black lipstick and bare my midriff for the first time because this is a conservative household of mine and I’ll probably never get a chance to be “edgy” like this again.

So, now onto the reflections. Firstly, I ask myself: what am I studying for? Compared to the rest of the non-mugging things I do, studying really does not bring me that much joy. But I am also aware that life is not about only doing the things that I like. Contradictions contradictions. So what exactly am I studying for? The grades? To get into a good Uni? The cliche answer is that I enjoy learning the content (not so much the mugging). The brutally honest answer is that I, being a competitive person, want to be the best at whatever I do and getting an A is the best reflection of that. This is the closest us students get to an identity crisis huh.

I can’t say that I’ve got it all figured out so I’ll park studying under the list of things I have to do but don’t really know why I have to yet. It seems quite pathetic to me that as a professional student for nearly 12 years now I have no idea what my job is for. Right now I only have a vague impression that perhaps I’m studying because it is the only thing I can do and I have to do it well. I do not value add to our disposal income, nor do I bring about benefit to the people around me. In order to get to where I can do whatever I want I need to prove myself through studying first.

Secondly, it might seem that I am stating the obvious but I’m an A Levels student and nothing matters as much as my studies. At this point it has almost become a knee-jerk reaction to sigh and bemoan our education system, but there’s no point in that because we still have to sit for exams no matter how hard we thrash around while being dragged there. What I have resolved is to stop complaining about schoolwork and suck it up and do the best I can.

I have had a deep long talk with my mum and in the adult equivalent of getting reprimanded she let me know that this ain’t it. Apparently my focus has strayed from studying and I’m not behaving like a proper A level student. The fact that there is an inevitable shift in our priorities stresses a lot of people out, me included (my skin has not been good lately haha). Adding to that I have never sat for an official official exam (ie. O levels) so I really don’t know how hard I should be studying. That’s the thing that is hardest for me now: striking the balance between doing what I enjoy and doing what I have to do. Does being a JC2 student mean I have to cut back on having a life? It’s fair enough because this is like the “final year” and all, but also there’s the side of my brain that goes: everything in moderation!

My personal thoughts on this matter is that I should do other things first while I could afford to and then perhaps start revving up the engines after my cca officially ends. I will only allow myself to have three commitments after that. I think I need the side activities to anchor my sanity so I don’t think it is a good idea to start burning out now.

Another thing fueling my dilemma is that I am an Arts student and honestly the subjects I take do not require as much studying. I feel really unproductive most times because it feels like I have not done enough in comparison to the standard I have been conditioned to accept in the past. Writing more essays will help but only to such an extent. I realised I have to get rid of the old ways of studying in quantity. Arts subject is more about organizing your opinions and refining the ideas and less about ticking of the checkboxes for the chapters worth of content.

Furthermore, there’s just so much less competition in Arts than the Sciences and somehow in my mind getting top in Science is worth more than getting top in Arts. Is this the result of our education system that had always prized the sciences more than the arts? Perhaps there isn’t really much point mulling over these until I actually get somewhere remotely near the top of Arts. If there are times I have a sneaking regret that I should have gone to science, it is for those reasons … but then I remember how much I thoroughly enjoy my subjects so I cannot complain.

The final thing is the issue of mugging culture and mugging shaming and closet mugging and the entire can of worms over there. To me it seems quite a paradox why being called a mugger is something one should vehemently deny. Now that we’re in JC2 I cannot help but feel that mugging and its counter culture (mugging-shaming) have become an almost psychological weapon. In primary school I remember this Adam Khoo speaker telling us about what to do with our lives. He gave us a personal anecdote where his friend shamed him for studying hard and told him to take it chill, which unsurprisingly manifested in his PSLE grades. His friend, meanwhile, had excelled and moved on without him.

To some extent, and the degree varies from person to person, calling someone out for putting in the hard work is in some twisted way for their own benefit. Since when has working hard for what you want become something to be ashamed of? I really think it is unnecessary, but who am I for my opinion to just magically stop people from doing it. The only thing I can do is to ignore what someone else says and take pride in my own work.

Time to wrap up this lengthy teenage-crisis-fueled reflection about studying. I wonder if mugging my life away is the right thing to do with my time, or if studying is an essential experience not to be missed in one’s youth. My reflections never have a conclusive answer because nobody really knows what they’re doing half the time anyways. Here’s all I have on my mind for now, but I suppose there will be a little more updates to come after I get back my results for BLOCKS eh :”)